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When you are a young wife and mother, the possibility of losing your husband and having to go through life alone generally doesn’t come to mind. You feel certain as a bride, when you take your vows of “till death do you part,” that you will grow old and grey together. Your heart tells you, as you start your family, that your husband will be with you from diapers through the college years and beyond. That’s what Christine Canary thought before becoming a widow at the age of 34. She and her sons, Christopher (now 7) and Caleb (now 4), have been walking together through grief for more than a year since the unexpected death of her 35-year-old husband, David. He died from a cardiac arrhythmia and an abnormal enlargement of the heart, and was found at home by Christine and her father in June 2006. Ten days after David’s death, Christine called Hospice of Queen Anne’s for bereavement help at the prompting of a Centreville Elementary School teacher. One of Christine’s strengths is realizing her need for help and then asking for it.
When a tragedy of this magnitude occurs, many people offer to assist in any way. It took strength for Christine to actually verbalize the family’s situation and receive financial and emotional assistance. The Canary family has received a tremendous outpouring of all kinds of help from the community at large. Their friends at Wye Bible Church have been most generous and loving over the years. Sheridan’s Restaurant sponsored a fundraiser in July 2006, and these donations enabled Christine to refinance their home so they wouldn’t have to move. What a huge blessing in this turbulent time! Their neighbors were very caring and generous. Christopher’s class at Centreville Elementary School sent him a special book signed by all the teachers, plus hand-made cards from his first grade classmates.
Even though David’s death was a tremendous blow to his young family, both financially and emotionally, Christine’s biggest concern, naturally, was for her boys. Caleb reacted in typical three-year-old fashion, exhibiting regressive behaviors, and becoming more clingy and fearful. Friends had told Christopher, unfortunately, that he was now “the man of the house.” This seemed to make him hold back his tears, try to discipline his little brother, and try to act strong for his mother—none of which are appropriate for a 61/2 year-old! He also struggled with anxiety about losing other family members, poor appetite, lack of interest in school and other activities he’d previously enjoyed, and extreme sadness in realizing that his friends still had fathers and he no longer did. Children who are the ages of Christopher and Caleb can rarely verbalize their intense emotions, so they tend to act them out, and it’s difficult for adults to know if they are grieving normally.
Christine and the boys had never before experienced any loss like this one, so they needed help in recognizing and accepting their normal grief reactions. Susan Brandon, Hospice Bereavement Coordinator, made a home visit, during which she helped Christine understand normal grief reactions for herself and the boys. After the visit, they shared many long phone conversations and utilized additional means of bereavement education and support. Christine was thankful for this outreach of love, support and reference material. At one point, Christine felt like she was losing her mind until Susan reassured her and pointed out that absentmindedness was just part of the whole grief process. That was a relief to Christine, just knowing that she wasn’t crazy, but just a normal grieving widow.
The first Hospice event the Canary’s participated in was our bi-annual family bereavement retreat, Camp Sunrise, on Labor Day weekend 2006. Here, they met other bereaved families from all over the Eastern Shore who gathered to share their experiences and grow closer as individual families through special grief-related activities. This event held special significance to the Canary’s, as it fell on the 3-month anniversary of David’s death. Christine and the boys were able to plant a tree in honor of David. They also were able to express their sadness in an atmosphere of empathy—not just sympathy—which was very helpful. This August, the boys will attend Camp New Dawn, Hospice of Queen Anne’s annual bereavement camp for kids between the ages of 4 and 18. Christine is confident that this camp will be very instrumental in helping the boys continue dealing with the absence of their Daddy.
Christine also attended our 2007 Spring series of Grief Management Classes. She says these classes gave her a safe place to be truly honest about her struggles in the presence of other widows who understood her loss. She feels so blessed to realize that, although it’s not easy being a single parent to young children, she may be less lonely than the other widows in her class because of her children. As the weeks of the classes went by, she could actually see her own progression through grief. At this point in her grief journey, Christine believes that the Lord has allowed this tragedy so that she can comfort others and truly understand their pain. In the future, she may become a Hospice of Queen Anne's volunteer.
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